ME👩‍💼

By Zulyait AHMID

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Zulyaitahmid@gmail.com

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To be successful had always been my utmost desire. But then success at times, comes with not just a price, but prices. One we continue paying till our last breath.

     

    Being excellent, is not the question, but does excellence guarantees success? I mean several brilliant and intelligent students encounter nerve-racking challenges that threatens their success, and that was what Happened.h

 I was one of the best student, I thought thatj was success. But NO! I came to learn success is the desired great outcome of an activity. I always had no problem studying or giving back what I studied, right from my young days. I could write exams without opening a book. Yea! That was me. 

 My Junior secondary School days were smooth that I never thought about future hindrances that might surface. I believed life was as smooth as egg shell.

 

Everything was fine, until the last year of my Junior secondary school days. When life decided to show me what it's called.

We were preparing for the Junior Secondary School Certificate Examination. As expected I was preparing hard, though it wasn't hard to prepare. We were incessantly reminded of the grandness of the first Junior secondary School external exams. 

Though I didn't feel the necessity, I was studying for the exams anyway. 

It was on the first day of our exams, I woke up early to avoid lateness to exam center, I was dressing up, when I over heard mom and dad yelling at each other. I didn't mean to eavesdrop as it was almost time for my exams anyway. I was leaving when.....

"You never married me for love anyway" mum yelled.

Truth is, I dread marriage, seeing how my parents' was, several times, I wondered if it was an arranged marriage. But no! Momaa had told me tales of their first meeting, she told me lovely stories that kept me wondering if the aftermath of love is hostility, bitterness and fights.

"It was a mistake, I know. I was a mistake, our daughter was a mistake" momma cried.

 "YES"  dad affirmed

I stilled, paralyzed on a spot. I've heard of unwanted pregnancies, termination, victimization, and stigmatization. I remained motionless, pained. Tears flooded my eyes. 

" Yes, all these is a mistake, and that's why I'm getting punished" Dad retorted.

I screamed, and lost it right there and then. Hot tears gushed down my small face. I'd just confirmed with my own ears that I'm my parents mistake, their punishment, a thing that shouldn't exist.

 My parents rushed out, shocked, ashamed and obviously disappointed in their own selves. Obviously my listening to that, was the last thing they desire. But it happened anyway.

Time doesn't care, it continued moving, signifying the almost commencement of the planned exams, I retaliated, ignored the time, that gave no hoot about my sudden predicament. I wanted to hide so bad, vanish into the thing air, my parents appeared strange to their only daughter's eyes. Momaa tried to comfort me, but my glare made it apparent I wouldn't take any of it. I rushed out and ran off in tears to the examination centre.

 And that day marked a new turn, in my feelings to my own parents, they always looked and seemed strange to me.

Why?

I couldn't love them properly no more, and I believe it was same for them, no one likes the source of their punishment or being constantly reminded of their past missteps.

I tried living well until, life dealt me an existence threatening blow, since the incidence with my parents, I had hard time  coping with my studies. Thanks to my brilliancy, I'd ve become worse than an average student.

 In the last year of my secondary School education, we were preparing for another external Examination. And the thought of another revelation brought shivers down my spine, Although I and my parents had not been good, I still dread hearing saddening and heartbreaking things like I wasn't even their daughter. So I rushed out so early.

"Reveal all you want, I won't be here to hear it, And as hell, I don't want your money" I thought.

I found out that last time incidence, had happened at the request of money for me, by my momaa. But I don't ever want their money again.

 At the examination centre, I met a man, whom I suspected to be a supervisor, he was warm and appeared very kind. He took what I thought was an academic interest in me, but his interest landed me in Trauma and stigmatization.

I woke up groggily, my heavy eyelids refusing to part, no doubt from having shed ocean of tears. I tried to move, but my lower part wouldn't allow it, I was in pain, swimming in my own red liquid. And then it Dawn on me. Yes I cried, I struggled, I checked my arm, yes! The cut I had sustained while struggling was there, doubtless it has contributed to my blood pool...... I've been RAPED!

Raped after mistaken concerns for sympathy. Mr Nice, I didn't even know his name. Had deceived me. I found out he wasn't a supervisor, he was a brother to one.

   And in that moment, I realized how STUPID I had been.

When momma and dad found out, another quarrel ensued. Each blaming the other for the occurrence, but then I didn't care no more. I lost my parents though they were alive, and now I lost myself while still existing.

 I gave up my exams for the year, and same year saw the end to my parents marriage, after putting up with each other for sixteen years.

Yea! I was sixteen.

My rape did more harm, than the obvious. I was stuck with mum, she loved me, I could feel it. But I was too pained to accept her love.

Life seem to hold reigns on its dispensary of doom, I wrote my exams again, and I got in for my education at the tertiary institution, but then, does life not know perfectly when to give loom and doom?

 I was in my final year, when I was diagnosed with Stomach cancer. After being rushed down to the hospital, from collapsing one morning. I knew I was battling something serious, as I was getting sick frequently, throwing up foods I consumed. but I wasn't going to accept it, And I definitely wasn't expecting it to be cancer.

 Mother broke down! She'd become a single parent, life hasn't been easy on her, I didn't make it any easier. And now her only daughter is diagnosed with cancer.

We wept together at the hospital, Although, certainty wasn't ensured, half a million naira was demanded for a hopeful surgical operations. As it was reported that the cancerous tumor hasn't exceed, stage 1. That could be operated on.

I was in pains, eating became almost impossible, momaa tried getting all she could. But all the money in the world seem to have hidden so well, at the start of mother's search. after so much days, all momma gathered was barely a hundred thousand. One from which we've been paying minor bills, for drugs, injections, bed. And so on. 

Health is Wealth..... Yes.

But Illness also requires wealth.

Living with cancer, wasn't what I ever thought, I'd survive from, until I was being whisked into theater. What happened next? I can't recount.

I woke up with a sharp Stomach ache.

Memories came flooding.

"No!......." I screamed, no sound came, I seem to have lost my voice.

I thought I got raped again.

And then, right in my own very eyes, he came.

Mr Nice, the assumed supervisor. 

The rapist.

Shock doesn't begin to define what I felt, especially when I registered the shock on his and momma's face, towards each other.

"Does momma know it's him?" I asked myself.

But No! 'Momma hadn't ever seen him before', Was what I thought. Until I got more shock seeing them embrace each other. And I caught a glimpse of tears in momma's eyes.

Who on God's well modified earth is Mr Nice?

And I got the shock of my life, when the answer came later, he'd paid for my surgical operations.

 Noooo......! How ironic. A rapist, no, my rapist paid to save my life. I watched the whole scenario enfold in shock and silence. The bastard took forever to recognize me, and I caught his expression the moment it Dawn on him.

And the last shock, I couldn't contain, that sent me into Oblivion. Was when momaa revealed, Mr Nice was her first love, whom she was supposed to get married to before mistakenly ending up with my dad, due to my pregnancy.

"I loved him, I still do" momma grumbled.

And right in that moment, my head spinned, my world crumbled, dizziness descended on me. 

How? 

How could momma love this devil? She doesn't even know who this man is. Would she still love him, after she finds out, he raped me? Would..............,. And I was gone.

How many hours I was gone? I didn't know.

But I was up again, this time with little pain.

Momma thought I was good to go, then she began her story.

" It was in my secondary School days, Oladele was our principal's son, he was dilligent, humble, kind and everything a woman would want."

I snorted.

Momaa checked to see if I was okay, and listening. Before she continued.

"We met, he was in a senior class . But we fell in love. We loved each other so much, that we we were so sure we would end up together." Momaa smiled bitterly.

I had no emotion whatsoever, though, I felt a glint of happiness that momma didn't end up with the raping devil.

"We became well known" momma continued.

" Until the final year of my education, he'd graduated and was working with a company, when he received the news of his father's death. Who was living in Germany. He had to travel there to do a lot of things and asked me to wait for him. I waited for three years, but he didn't come back. I became a graduate too and was working with a company, but then as expected. My parents won't have that I remain single waiting for someone who might not even return. I got pressurized, and had to strike a deal with your father. We decided that he would act as my husband, pending when my lover would return. This he agreed to do" momaa paused, gauging my reactions to her tale.

This time, I'd started to feel something, but I couldn't figure it out yet, a mixture of pity, anger, hurt. Realizing I'm a product of a contract deal.

Momaa continued "I was paying your father for his acts, until I got pregnant with you. I stopped paying him, and demanded that he takes responsibility, he remained reluctant, always accusing me of luring him into the marriage, it was part of it that you heard that day." She looked up into my eyes.

I was already crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Rita" she cried...... I cried.

My momma has been hurt, 

By her lover

By her husband

By me.

I wasn't going to hurt her more. Since the knowledge of my rapist is known to just ME. I'll keep it to just ME.

I won't force momma to live with memories of her lover raping her own daughter.

And henceforth the knowledge became mine.. 

The gravity became ME!